Three Holy Men and a Bear
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan .They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. ‘Well,’ he said, ‘I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, ‘Well, brothers, you know that we Baptists don’t sprinkle! I went out and I found me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God’s Holy Word. But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I grabbed him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, up another and down another until we came to a creek. So I quickly bapttized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said: “Looking back on it, ….circumcision may not have been the best way to start.”
Four Catholic Mothers
Four Catholic mothers were having coffee, discussing their wonderful sons.
The first mother said, “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father.”
The second woman chirped, “Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Grace.’”
The third woman said smugly, “My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Eminence.’”
The fourth Catholic woman sipped her coffee in silence. The other three gave her a subtle, “Well?” so she said modestly, “My son is 6 feet 8 inches tall, 300 pounds heavy, not an ounce of fat on him, and a smile that just won’t quit.”. Whenever he walks into a room, all the women say, ‘Oh my God!’”
Just How Fast Can Priest Jump to a Conclusion?
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, ‘Say Father, what causes arthritis?’
The priest replies, ‘My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.’
The drunk muttered in response, ‘Well, I’ll be. I never knew.” Then he returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. ‘I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?’
The drunk answered, ‘I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.’
MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.
[PHOTO by sinceImvu on photobucket.com]